Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Mommy guilt

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching my son struggle with school. What makes it so difficult isn't his gap in skills compared with his peers. It's that he's just so overwhelmed by it all at times.

He had a good day today but had to spend time with his special ed teacher due to poor choices yesterday. Now, I know that just the fact that the class he needs the most has become a punishment should say it all. But anyway, at dinner I could tell he was thinking about something and sort of blue. We started talking and he told me he didn't want to go to school anymore (not a huge surprise but lately hasn't been a problem) and then he asked me why he can't go to school at home. Boom. That did it. He was thinking so clearly and expressing himself so well, it just hurt to watch him fight back tears. Actual tears. Tears of frustration. I remember my own at his age so well.

Ugh. You see, when he graduated from PPCD and the district wouldn't give him an aide, I decided to go ahead and homeschool him. I researched homeschooling and homeschooling special needs kids in particular for so long, i just felt it was best. My feelings about it haven't really changed. Our financial situation, however, did. So after a year at it -- and by it I mean butting heads with the world's most stubborn 5-year-old -- I caved and enrolled him in kindergarten. And now I'm working full-time. And all the guilt from giving up on my son's ideal education comes right back.

Siiiiigh. I love that kid so much. Why can't we win the lottery again?!

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