"Be opened." In today's Gospel reading, Jesus says these words to a deaf man with a speech impediment. Jesus heals the man's physical limitations that caused him to be isolated and even ostracized from society. Physically he is healed, and we can extrapolate that he is spiritually healed as well -- although I've often wondered if being the recipient of a miracle of Jesus automatically heals you spiritually forever. You know, maybe they let it go to their heads afterward, who knows? Anyway.
There's been a drought in my spiritual life in the last year or so, and this feeling of being closed off -- despite participation, despite good intentions -- has just lingered. It's like I don't know how to pray anymore. I am just so tired. It started with my last pregnancy and has just persisted -- this physical and spiritual fatigue.
I want desperately to be opened again -- to have the peace and direction I once had.
There's also been a drought in my physical life. I've spent the last 11 months caring for my baby 24 hours a day. And the older 2 boys as well. I'm not necessarily complaining, but it's left little time for self-care. I'm able to get hair cuts (because I have to take the boys) and get groceries and vitamins (most of the time) and that's about it. I have felt shitty for almost a year, I guess. And I can't see this changing in the foreseeable future -- at least not without God's help. Divine intervention. Serious divine intervention.
Dear Lord, please open my heart and mind! Burn out all that is harmful and plant seeds of wisdom, perseverance, mindfulness -- and most of all, love. Amen.