Friday, May 15, 2015

Little moments

Every once in a while, when things slow down and are mostly quiet, I'm able to see things as they are, in the moment. It's rare, but it happens. 

I look at this face, this person -- person -- who has been entrusted to me, and I'm in awe. That awe I felt when I first saw them, but a little more. 

It's easy to forget in the day-to-day stuff, the meals and please-just-listen-for-once and aaaaaall the ass-wiping -- this is a person you're forming. With every sound, tone and movement. With the baby, I see such potential. With G and B, I see where I have failed so many times. 

And yet, there's hope. 

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Stormy weather

Ever since I had kids, severe weather has made me seriously anxious. As soon as I had G, the thought of someone or something taking him from me instilled a strange mix of anxiety, anger, determination and utter fear. 

That first spring was a doozy for me. Not that anything out of the ordinary happened weatherwise, I just started packing a go bag again. You know, the bag with clean clothes and underwear, maybe water and shoes and other things you would need in an emergency. 

I started keeping a go bag packed when I was in elementary school, after reading Night of the Twisters ( That book preoccupied me for weeks. My mom grew up in Oklahoma, so I was taught very early how to watch the skies and appreciate storms. Tornado threats were met with near nonchalance by my mom, and I only remember one time where we actually retreated to the bathtub. But I think that was to make my sister and I feel better. 

After I read that book, though, I was scared of tornadoes. Not irrationally, I mean this is North Texas. I was scared of losing everything I had and everyone I loved. I guess it eased with age, but once kids were in the picture, forget it. 

There's a storm headed our way now. Long, low, rumbling thunder. Everyone's in bed. I'm sure the sirens will wake me up , right?