Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The struggle

It only gets more painful watching G struggle with fitting into our world, particularly school. Homework is so hard for him. It's completely outside his learning environment, I don't know the teaching methods and some of it (the math especially) I don't even know. It's frustrating for me so you know it's 10 times worse for him. 

I can see the pain in his body language, I can hear it in the way he talks to me but most of all I can see it in his eyes. And it guts me. Every day. 

I've read blog posts by other autism moms about their kids' abilities or lack thereof (the "at least yours can talk" kind of talk). I have to say I'm humbled by so many of these women and their struggles with their kids. So much so I don't always feel I have room to lament. I mean, G is so high-functioning, "he doesn't seem autustic," according to some. 

But let me say, the struggle is real. Really hard, really painful, and yes, sometimes really rewarding. But it's real. And it hurts. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015


I'm still in awe of this day. Everything that happened this day. 

My baby boy was baptized today with two other baby boys. Father Jim so lovingly baptizes babies. I could hardly hold back the tears as the prayers began -- so many people there to share this with us! So many people I love -- new friends and old.  

I'm holding him as I type this. This tight little bundle of God's love and grace snuggled up on me, warm and snoozing heavily (finally).  The smell of the oil of anoiting is still on his sweet head -- I never want to wash it off. I want to freeze this moment -- this feeling, this grace. His soul so perfectly clean, his body so warm and cuddling against me. 

Lord, help me to remember this feeling of utter peace and contentment. I feel so strangely, happily empty -- as if I've done something important, fulfilled a task with much meaning. This love and gratitude I have is a reflection of the love and mercy and grace you pour out on those who love you. Thank you, thank you Lord! 

Thursday, April 2, 2015


Seven years and one month ago, our oldest was diagnosed with autism. We had suspected for a while, so it wasn't a complete shock. But it was sobering and a little overwhelming. 

What most people don't know, though, is that while I was pregnant with Gabriel and reading all those insipid pregnancy and parenting magazines, I was absolutely terrified that my baby would have autism. 

Autism was getting a lot of press in 2004. And since so many parenting publications seem to purposefully instill fear and implicitly encourage a sense of inadequacy, autism became the the thing I prayed to God that my baby wouldn't have. In fact, I remember standing in the kitchen of the apartment I shared with my best friend and praying, "Please God, anything but autism. I want my child to be able to love me."

Now some would say God ignored my plea. I disagree. He answered my prayer by conquering my fear. He answered my prayer by showing me what love really is. He answered my prayer by showing me another facet of Himself. 

So on this day, the day the rest of the world waves the autism awareness flag, I remember the day we were blessed with this gift to the world. And I pray that the world will accept this gift, because he and everyone else with autism have so much more to offer than a "cause."