Pondering, Praising, Positivity

Pondering

The impact this statistic will have on our world. The possibilities are endless. When I was pregnant with Gabriel, I was single. That was a big enough deal for me (I thought) that all I wanted was a healthy baby. No complications. I just wanted a fat, squalling baby I could raise into a decently happy human being. No complications. Especially not something a silent and unfixable as autism. I actually feared autism. I prayed I would escape that snare. A single mom? How in the world could I add that burden on top of everything else? Well, this is the point at which I would link to the big, fat blog post about Gabriel's diagnosis and ensuing adventures but ... I haven't gotten around to writing that yet. Suffice to say, I believe God has a sense of humor, and contrary to most of the world, I do not believe we are the punchline. God has a great sense of humor but an even greater store of mercy ready for the asking.

The sheer prevalence of autism suggests to me that we're doing something seriously wrong with God's gift here on Earth. Is it pesticides? Vaccines? Hormones, BHP, dietary changes, triclosan, violence, etc.? It could be any of this or none. There's a lot of work ahead. At the same time, the sheer prevalence of autism also suggests to me that perhaps this is God's plan at work. How else would we know all the faces of God if we didn't know these kids with autism? The same thing goes for Down Syndrome, or any other "disorder." How would we know the complexity, depth and breadth of God's human creation if we did not know ALL of these children? They are all a part of God's order, and perhaps it's time we all learn to live with and love them all, just like Christ taught the apostles.

Praising

Last night was open house at Gabriel's school, and I'm still bursting with pride. Gabriel certainly was last night. He literally could not contain his enthusiasm. There was square dancing, singing and signing, and oodles of artwork. Not to mention his number scroll -- all the way to 1,200! He was particularly proud of his number scroll. And the clay cup they made in art class. None of the pictures we took were able to capture the sheer joy he was experiencing. So I'm praising my boy. Even if he keeps "forgetting" this week's homework at school.

Positivity

A glowing review at work today has helped my positivity quite a bit. I hate yearly reviews, and since I've only been here just over a year, I didn't know what to expect. But it's over and done, and PLEASE LORD MAKE THE BOSSES APPROVE THE TELEWORK PROPOSAL. Really, really please. I'm staying positive about this!

Peace be with us

It's been a month since I posted last, and for very good reason. It's been one of the most difficult times in my life up to now. Upheaval and stress at work compounded by sickness after sickness at home -- the week of stomach viruses and hospital stay for my littlest one was epic and abysmal.

It's spring break now, another time I'm reminded of how much of life I miss by working like I do, and instead of feeling buoyed I feel depressed. Distant. Exhausted. I am so tired of clutching at moments, day after day, just trying to get by -- Just until bedtime ... Just until Friday ... I'm spent. Done.

I haven't given up hope -- hope is still anchoring me, as is the Holy Spirit (which is saying something since my Mass attendance has been sketchy at best). They are the reasons I get out of bed in the morning, go to work, do the laundry.

Pondering
Right now, I'm pondering what spring will bring. The seasons have changed in Texas and daylight savings time, as much as I detest it, gives me so much more light every day. It makes me want to clean the house top to bottom, change all the curtains and dig in the dirt. Plant things.

And if it's March, then I must be pondering ways to discourage the vile herons from taking up residence yet again. Nasty, federally protected pests.

Praising
Oh, I'm praising the Holy Spirit! A new pope! And a Jesuit who chose the name Francis! It's not clear today whether he's honoring Francis of Assisi or Francis Xavier. Either way, he was God's choice, so I am happy. I can't imagine how happy the Spanish-speaking world is right now.

Positivity
I'm focusing on the positive aspects of life right now so I can stay afloat -- things like these:

Pope Francis

Oh, I'm so excited! Just giddy like a fangirl at a con. Seriously!

Aaaaaaaaaaand now I'm ready for Catholicism to get off the news sites. I'm already so tired of the idiots who only like to hear themselves talk cracking jokes and not caring that there are people out there who have been praying for this man for weeks now.

Back off, kids! Fangirls get fierce when they're messed with.

Time flies ... Eternity waits

Time flies ... Eternity waits.

I read somewhere that Pope John Paul II grew up across from a church with this engraved on its clock tower, or something like that. I remember the author wondering how that simple phrase must have influenced the young Karol Józef Wojtyła.

I'm thinking of this phrase as we begin Lent today. I love Lent. I realize that to some people this makes me a fanatic and to others it makes me a Catholic nerd. And I'm okay with this -- I'm a little of both.

I'm not going to talk about what I'm giving up for Lent, although I am giving something up. Rather, I'm going to talk about what I'm offering up for Lent this year. Pope Benedict XVI has, in his infinite wisdom, given us all something to strive for this season -- complete and total abandonment to the Holy Will. I can't imagine it was an easy decision to make, his abdication. Even with all his hours of prayer and communion with the Holy Spirit, I'm sure it was a painful epiphany for His Holiness. So, in accordance with his wishes expressed today and along with Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum, I am going to offer up my Lenten prayers and sacrifices for Pope Benedict XVI and for a successful conclave.

Therefore we do not lose heart. ... For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.   2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Pondering, Praising, Positivity

Eva Marie Saint from "North by Northwest"

Pondering: Just what does one wear on a train? I'm taking my very first train trip to Austin this weekend for my best friend's hen weekend. (Thanks to my pal Lee Anne for introducing me to the British slang.) I have grand delusions of decking out in a smart little train suit, train case in gloved hand, hat on head. Seriously. It's more than a dream -- it's within my reach! Well, okay, not really. I don't have the suit. But I'll be damned if I'm wearing jeans! You can't make me!

That being said, I have a yen for something new. Something smart. Classic. Oh, and affordable. Definitely a skirt -- or slim pants. Oh, Lord help me! (And thanks to The Vintage Traveler for the train station image.)

Praising: This week I am praising the Lord's ability to hook me up with the coolest, most inspirational people. I'm talking about real life here. For the last, oh, year and a half? My life has been "Six Degrees of Domini" or something. Between church, my old job as a crossing guard and my current workplace -- it's starting to get scary. If scary means extraordinarily blessed. Online has been much the same. I mean, I had no idea there were so many cute, inspirational, faithful and FUNNY Catholic women blogging out there. It's just crazy. And none of you know me. Dun-dun-dun!



Positivity: It's difficult for me to think of anything specific for this entry. I'm trying to stay positive that I'm actually following God's will and not just delusional. You know how that is, right? I'm so damned headstrong sometimes I just can't see another way other than my own. Did I just admit that? Yeesh. Not at all shocking then that I have birth to The Most Stubborn Boy in the World. Who, by the way, has finally earned his talking Sheriff Woody doll. Thank you, Amazon.

Really, I'm just trying to stay positive about everything in general. It's particularly difficult in this world, and because now that I'm on the Internet all day at work I can't escape from all the bad news. So instead of hardening my heart, I'm praying. It's all I can do.

Mommy guilt

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching my son struggle with school. What makes it so difficult isn't his gap in skills compared with his peers. It's that he's just so overwhelmed by it all at times.

He had a good day today but had to spend time with his special ed teacher due to poor choices yesterday. Now, I know that just the fact that the class he needs the most has become a punishment should say it all. But anyway, at dinner I could tell he was thinking about something and sort of blue. We started talking and he told me he didn't want to go to school anymore (not a huge surprise but lately hasn't been a problem) and then he asked me why he can't go to school at home. Boom. That did it. He was thinking so clearly and expressing himself so well, it just hurt to watch him fight back tears. Actual tears. Tears of frustration. I remember my own at his age so well.

Ugh. You see, when he graduated from PPCD and the district wouldn't give him an aide, I decided to go ahead and homeschool him. I researched homeschooling and homeschooling special needs kids in particular for so long, i just felt it was best. My feelings about it haven't really changed. Our financial situation, however, did. So after a year at it -- and by it I mean butting heads with the world's most stubborn 5-year-old -- I caved and enrolled him in kindergarten. And now I'm working full-time. And all the guilt from giving up on my son's ideal education comes right back.

Siiiiigh. I love that kid so much. Why can't we win the lottery again?!

"Well, ya know, could be worse."

Happy birthday, Paul Newman.